Missing You

There are so many times during my day, week, month and year that I miss you so deeply that it encapsulates me. I wish sometimes that I could just twitch my nose and I would be sitting on the couch next to you in your living room in Newhall. I find myself daydreaming of you, mom, my daughters, granddaughters and me baking cookies in your kitchen and you pretending to look away while Maycie Jean sneaks a taste of cookie dough. My soul aches for you to know my girls and my grandbabies.

I recently read something that reminded me of how I feel, it went something like this:

Even though the feeling and sound in my heart gets softer, it becomes like the train that whistles in the distance a few times a day that is just always there but not so loud that you notice it daily or even weekly. It is just there until the moment when you are dancing in the kitchen as Neil Diamond sings, "she got the way to move me, cherry" and then the playlist suddenly ends and it seems so very quiet until you hear that train call from miles away and you find yourself paying attention again. It catches you. And then you notice it each time for a while after that.

I hear the train whistling and my heart aches with missing you. It is painful right to the middle of my chest. I know how lucky I was to know you, to call you my grandma and my friend. Today it overwhelms me. Today I can close my eyes and dream that I am in that beautiful Newhall house where love abounded, where there was always a yummy smell from the kitchen, and where my soul was fed. But when I open my eyes, it is just me here in my living room, missing you terribly and the distant sound of the train’s whistle.

I miss you my precious grandma…

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