Monday, January 31, 2011


Call it a personality flaw. Call it a quirk. Call it whatever you want to call it, but I have this difficulty, this situation. I really have a difficult time letting someone take care of me. For so many years I have been incredibly independent~I've had to be. I have only allowed but a very few people into my life and have rarely let down my walls of protection. Don’t mind so much the walls, but seriously be careful where you step ~ watch for all those land mines that I carefully laid to protect myself.

There are two people who know nothing of walls and land mines. When they look at me they see a young little barefoot girl chasing in the backyard. They see a young lady, full of promise going to the prom with Robert. They see their daughter… their cute little blonde baby girl (yes, I used to be blonde) and they love me. They don’t see damaged goods. They don’t see a single mother who used to struggle. They see me ~ right to my soul they see me. And they unabashedly love me. My mom makes my coffee with just the right amount of sugar and half and half. My dad listens intently as I tell boring stories of work. They are the two people in my life who I let take care of me.

I love you so much Mom and Daddy ~ thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for loving me despite my incredible flaws. Thank you for my beautiful sunshine daisy and wanting to buy it for me because it looked like "happy". Thank you for always wanting the best for me and for constantly praying for me. Thank you for believing in me.


Monday, January 24, 2011

Missing You

There are so many times during my day, week, month and year that I miss you so deeply that it encapsulates me. I wish sometimes that I could just twitch my nose and I would be sitting on the couch next to you in your living room in Newhall. I find myself daydreaming of you, mom, my daughters, granddaughters and me baking cookies in your kitchen and you pretending to look away while Maycie Jean sneaks a taste of cookie dough. My soul aches for you to know my girls and my grandbabies.

I recently read something that reminded me of how I feel, it went something like this:

Even though the feeling and sound in my heart gets softer, it becomes like the train that whistles in the distance a few times a day that is just always there but not so loud that you notice it daily or even weekly. It is just there until the moment when you are dancing in the kitchen as Neil Diamond sings, "she got the way to move me, cherry" and then the playlist suddenly ends and it seems so very quiet until you hear that train call from miles away and you find yourself paying attention again. It catches you. And then you notice it each time for a while after that.

I hear the train whistling and my heart aches with missing you. It is painful right to the middle of my chest. I know how lucky I was to know you, to call you my grandma and my friend. Today it overwhelms me. Today I can close my eyes and dream that I am in that beautiful Newhall house where love abounded, where there was always a yummy smell from the kitchen, and where my soul was fed. But when I open my eyes, it is just me here in my living room, missing you terribly and the distant sound of the train’s whistle.

I miss you my precious grandma…


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Fire in the Sky

Last night the sunset was monumental. Besides happening at a very poignant moment, the colors radiated throughout the evening sky. It is so amazing to me the color that is thrown from the reflection off the Great Salt Lake.

It was truly a moment ~