Haitus.Over

Well, what a long hiatus I have taken. There has just been so much. I think things are finally starting to settle down a bit, and for that I am grateful.

I don’t think that one ever truly finishes grieving. I think that we only get to a point where we can cope without falling into a complete boobing, bawling mess hourly daily. I believe that I have actually come to terms with the fact that my Dad had cancer and now he is in heaven. While I am sure “there” is a much better place than here; and also that he is hanging with the coolest guy ever, it is hard to walk into his workshop and see his sketches on graph paper that my brother has hung on the wall as the prized pieces of art they are. Everywhere I look I see my Dad’s signature touch. Everywhere. Now I can say that about 67.8% of the time I smile, instead of crying; grateful for the beautiful stroke of his brush in my life.

My Dad was one of my strongest advocates. He believed in me, he challenged me, he teased me, he stuck his tongue out at me. In one of our last visits he shared his heart with me. It was one of the most intimate conversations he and I ever had. I will never forget the words that he said to me and the wisdom he imparted. My commitment to him was to earnestly strive every day toward an eternal destination. It was his way of leaving me with the one thing [person] that meant the very most to him. What an amazing gift my Dad has always been to me.

Through all of this year of grieving, some beautiful and wonderful things have happened too! Our precious little Zona Marie arrived at the end of June. For the first several weeks, she didn’t even cry. She has such a sweet little countenance. That little baby girlie soothes me and is the salve that my heart and soul need.

While my life has changed in many ways, my family has stuck by me through it all. When I look back at my parenting adventure I wonder if I did it right. Was I there enough? Did I do enough? What I know for sure is that I couldn’t have loved my kids more. I made so many mistakes, but because of that love, my kids forgive me and love me through all that I am going through. No matter what decisions I make, my family still seems to love me. Thank.God.for.miracles.

Break

I am on hiatus, if you haven’t already noticed this.  My normal creative life seems rather uninspired these days.  Maybe it is the fact that my grief over my dad’s passing seems insurmountable.  Maybe it is just the fact that I am burnt out.  Maybe I just need a break.  Either way, this I am sure of, I am taking a break.  While I know life goes on, it is really hard for me to frolic along when my heart is so sad.  I know that there is much to be excited about; I have a new grandbaby girl coming – and that is exciting!  I know that Spring is in the air and that things are beginning to feel fresh and new.  I know, I know, I know.  The fact of the matter is, my dad is gone.  I miss him.  And some day I will feel better, but that day is not today.

Three Months

So much has changed in the span of 3 months.


Thank you to all of you who have prayed for me, my Dad, and my family through the last rounds of my Dad’s fight with lung cancer. He went home to be with Jesus on January 22nd. My Dad was many things to many people. This was so evident by the myriad of people who have washed their love and support over me and my family.

I would use these adjectives to describe my Dad:

Brilliant                                            Wise
Godly                                                Nurturing
Loving                                              Conscientious
Considerate                                     Quick Witted
Logical                                              Faithful
Courageous                                      Diligent
Honorable                                        Loyal
Ethical                                              Humble
Handsome                                       Precise
Generous                                         Funny

My Dad said that if God would have given him a choice as to how he wanted to live out the rest of his life, and his choices were to either live long and prosper (in true Star Trek form) or to live the life path of cancer, he would have chosen the exact one he had. He would have chosen the path with cancer. He said that without it, God would not have given him the opportunity to meet, bless and be blessed by as many people as he did during his cancer journey. He, my friends, was an amazing man.

As I go through this process of grief, I want to redirect my thinking from being sad that my Dad is gone to being grateful that I have had such an amazing person in my life for the past 51 years. Feels like a big feat right now, but I am grateful. I love you Daddy!