Haitus.Over

Well, what a long hiatus I have taken. There has just been so much. I think things are finally starting to settle down a bit, and for that I am grateful.

I don’t think that one ever truly finishes grieving. I think that we only get to a point where we can cope without falling into a complete boobing, bawling mess hourly daily. I believe that I have actually come to terms with the fact that my Dad had cancer and now he is in heaven. While I am sure “there” is a much better place than here; and also that he is hanging with the coolest guy ever, it is hard to walk into his workshop and see his sketches on graph paper that my brother has hung on the wall as the prized pieces of art they are. Everywhere I look I see my Dad’s signature touch. Everywhere. Now I can say that about 67.8% of the time I smile, instead of crying; grateful for the beautiful stroke of his brush in my life.

My Dad was one of my strongest advocates. He believed in me, he challenged me, he teased me, he stuck his tongue out at me. In one of our last visits he shared his heart with me. It was one of the most intimate conversations he and I ever had. I will never forget the words that he said to me and the wisdom he imparted. My commitment to him was to earnestly strive every day toward an eternal destination. It was his way of leaving me with the one thing [person] that meant the very most to him. What an amazing gift my Dad has always been to me.

Through all of this year of grieving, some beautiful and wonderful things have happened too! Our precious little Zona Marie arrived at the end of June. For the first several weeks, she didn’t even cry. She has such a sweet little countenance. That little baby girlie soothes me and is the salve that my heart and soul need.

While my life has changed in many ways, my family has stuck by me through it all. When I look back at my parenting adventure I wonder if I did it right. Was I there enough? Did I do enough? What I know for sure is that I couldn’t have loved my kids more. I made so many mistakes, but because of that love, my kids forgive me and love me through all that I am going through. No matter what decisions I make, my family still seems to love me. Thank.God.for.miracles.